Deuces Wild

After my experience with M1 and my Organic Encounters, I decided I needed a break from toadorprince.com. But before I ignored my profile for a few weeks, there was one guy still in the cue that I let interview. Sigh...I call him Mr. Deuce.

Mr. Deuce ran his own company in the entertainment industry. I was intrigued to meet someone that worked in a different field. Though, I was skeptical about his seemingly very bushy eyebrows in all the pictures.

Our first date was for coffee on a Saturday. I much rather have drinks after work during the week, but Mr. Deuce was too busy for an entire seven days before he could fit me in. He even busted out his day planner while on the phone to schedule me from 3:00 to 5:30. WTF?! Who schedules an "end time" to a first meet 'n greet? Ok, this guy has a full life and a busy career running his own business – I’ll give him that. In the back of my mind I wondered if he was either dating 10 people at once or just THAT busy running his own business?

Luckily enough when I saw him in person, he was much cuter and his eyebrows were much less bushier than I feared. The conversation flowed naturally and I was really enjoying myself. For one of the last dates I planned on having for awhile – this was a great one. We talked about the hobbies we enjoyed, sports we’ve played (we both enjoyed tennis, golf and yoga!). Ya know - basic stuff. Then the conversation got more in depth and we were able to talk about relationship history, family, what we’re looking for in a partner, etc. Genuinely, I was very excited.

Since he was cuter than I planned and we had a great conversation, we set plans for a second date a week later after he returned from vacation.

Over dinner on our second date, he started asking me some of the same questions he had asked me on our meet ‘n greet. Not details like “what was your mom’s name again!?” but more like “oh you practice yoga?” “Oh, wait you like to play tennis?!” Yes, we covered this during our coffee date! You were so excited that we both enjoyed the same hobbies/sports. Remember? I figured it might have been his vacation fog clouding his memory.

On the way home from our second date I noticed I was much less excited then when I drove home after our first meeting. “Eh, it was alright,” I explained to a few friends. Though Mr. Deuce and I did have plans to see each other another week later after I returned from a trip.

When I got back into town, I knew we had a date planned, but I didn’t find myself to be all that excited. It was as if my interest was waning each time we saw each other. But, a third try was fair I thought.

Mr. Deuce planned our third date as a picnic at the beach. He conveniently planned for it at the beach near my house – which I didn’t mind not having to drive. Then I realized it was the third date. $hit is he going to try to get laid?! The thought of inviting him in seemed awkward. Not a good sign. We had only shared a quick peck of a kiss after our second date. It wasn’t bad per se, but it wasn’t that good either. Maybe its just that I’ve been kissing so many toads lately, my lips can’t tell the difference anymore? Hhmm…

Over dinner, guess what sort of topics/questions came up? “No way, I had no idea you played tennis!” “Oh really, you do yoga too?!” The SAME questions I had already answered twice before! Come on! I was really starting to get annoyed. He clearly can’t keep me straight along with all the other girls. I get that we met on an online dating site, but if you can’t keep ‘em straight, you shouldn’t be going out with that many at once. Dude – use your infamous day planner and take notes! Blonde, professional girl in finance – likes tennis, practices yoga, etc. It’s not that hard!

I also found myself fixated on his extremely hairy eyebrows. I know I had mentioned they seemed better in person than I originally thought. But they appeared to have grown significantly since our second date. Or maybe my lack of interest was growing and beginning to overshadow the positive attributes I had previously located? Then there were his hairy arms and the more he tried to scoot closer to me and be all “picnic-y”, the more I found myself uncomfortable and afraid of where those arms were going to go next? Would his arm hair fall into the gross vegetarian food he brought us? And I lost my appetite. Not a good sign.

Then came the dessert. I had been turning my head away each time he looked at me for too long during the meal. I figured now he might make his move. I guess I had to try to see if I there was any chemistry. This is about the time I also downed what was left of the bottle of wine. He moved in for a kiss and proceeded to………….. devour my face. Oh man, come on...I was paralyzed. Sort of like the kid that never learned to color in the lines…this guy never learned to kiss your mouth and ya know, stay in that area. Was I his dessert?

And the verdict was in – I was just not that into him! After each date my interest was waning. Even more, I was getting very annoyed that I had to keep having the same conversation with him. Huge turn-off. Then the face-eating kissing technique. Ugh! What the hell had I done in a past life?! What karma fairy had I pissed off?! I swear… enough!

So I started to yawn and said that I needed to go home and recover from my recent trip. I was happy to see it was only 10:30 and I had plenty of Tivo I wanted to catch up on. When you’re more excited about what’s on TV, than what’s in front of you…

When he pulled in front of my place, he asked “mind if I use the bathroom before I hit the road?!” Oh here we go… What are you, driving to Sacramento? You can’t hold it for another 10 minutes? I knew where he lived and I knew it wasn’t that far. But what was I going to say? Was he just trying to get “invited in?” I wasn’t giving the signals that I was interested in that. I felt like I had to say yes to be polite; I didn’t have a problem just seeing him out after that.

We went into my apartment and he went to the bathroom. I waited... And I waited… I emptied the dishwasher, I put away the blanket from our picnic, and then it occurred to me – OMG, he’s dropping a deuce in there! This can’t be happening. Not only did he gross me out by devouring my face at the beach, now he was going to leave me a souvenir? No. No. No.

You all know how wrong that is, right? As women we’re taught to hold it and not embark on such adventures while at a male suitor’s house for a significant amount of dates. If I have to always be “smelling sweet” and seemingly perfect in the first few dates --- so do you! If we women have to hide the fact that we belch and fart like all other human beings in the privacy of our own home – guys must at least keep their deuces to themselves for a due amount of time.

It was wrong. I wanted to knock on the door and say “you better not be doing what I think you’re doing!” But I didn’t have the balls. I was traumatized.

When he came out of the bathroom, I avoided passing by that area of the apartment. He started walking around, checking out my bookshelf, pictures, etc. I started yawning more and more and once he sat down on the couch – I said, “I’m sorry I’m just so exhausted, I need to call it a night.” He took another 10 minutes before he would get up and walk to the door. Come on already! I’m not interested…can’t you see! I’m kicking you out of my apartment. Just go – I’ve got Tivo to watch!

“We should do this again,” he said. All I could do was nod; no words came out of my mouth. Really? Again? I was contemplating if there was a way I could be more interested. What if he trimmed his eyebrows? What if I got real drunk then let him kiss me? What if we avoided that vegetarian restaurant he brought take out from – would that prevent his deuce-dropping tendencies?

Eh, I had learned that lesson already – if I wasn’t feeling it by now (not to mention my interest was waning) – a fourth date was not necessary. The hairy, face-eating, deuce-dropping toad was just too wild for me.

Next!

1) If your interest in someone is progressively declining, it probably means you aren’t that interested. 2) If you’re not looking forward to a date in the early stages, then you might want to consider canceling; it is ok to ‘go with your gut’ in the beginning. 3) If you’d rather watch TV than watch the guy in front of you – you’re probably not interested.