Mr. Almost

Each guy I have been matched with up to this point has either presented immediate deal breakers or done something to lose prince-potential a little further down the road.

But what about the other guys? The in between guys: in between the category of either prince or toad. Ah yes, those guys. The ones that aren’t toads; they just aren’t our princes. No matter how much we all would like them to be… no matter how hard we try – we can’t turn them into our prince…

Mr. Almost was the 5th guy I met on toadorprince.com. I was pleasantly surprised when I saw him in person. Attractive and well dressed. All in all, an even better first date than all the others. We were off to a good start. He did all the right things – following up right after our date, reaching out the next day to set up our second date, and setting up our third date while on our second date. I was very excited. I know, big deal – I’m always excited. I can’t help but get excited at the sight of potential. I try to be hopeful each time and give each guy a chance.

He really had his $hit together and that was very attractive to me. We had really great conversations, he was a smart guy, and we enjoyed a lot of the same things: wine, good food, travel, and the beach. He also continued doing all the right things, planning fun second and third dates, communicating in between dates, etc. On paper – he was everything I wanted.

Until the first kiss. Yep, you knew it was coming... There has to be a catch with me in these stories, doesn’t there? Otherwise its pretty likely they wouldn’t be making it into the blog!!

Anyhow, the first kiss…

A few martinis in after a good dinner, live jazz, etc… I was ready for it. Out on the street corner walking, holding hands, he pulls me in and then……………………………………………………………….......................................................................
………………………..crickets. That’s it?!

I could hear ANTS walking on the ground next to us it got so quiet! I heard the silent wind blowing....really. I was stunned – it was like kissing um, I don’t even know, a wall?! I know, bad. No passion, no peaked blood pressure, no excitement, no feeling, no emotion, nothing. I felt nothing. And no, I’m not getting at some crazy romantic Hollywood kiss that I was after. Its not that at all. Its just, you know, when you kiss someone you like, you feel SOMETHING. I wanted to, all the build up—everything I wanted on paper, so much chemistry in all other ways.

But no, I didn’t end it there… Of course I didn’t. I was hopeful about him and I thought maybe it was just something that would take time.

We went on many more dates after that. There were many steak dinners, greeting me at the door at his house with poured glasses of wine, favorite olives, cheese and crackers waiting for me so I could relax and watch my favorite show while he cooked. Awwwww. Yes, I know. It was all really great.

I figured the chemistry just had to grow. I mean, it should, right? There was nothing wrong with him. I really wanted the chemistry to grow. Some nights I drank more than I should just to get myself to makeout with him - see if “it” was there. Still, nothing. I tried making suggestions of how he could kiss differently, thinking that would change things. But no, that didn’t do it either.

It was one particular night that I went over to his house for another gourmet meal about 2 weeks in. Standing on the porch and all I could think was: I hope he doesn’t try to make out with me…

I know! I go from guys I think only want to get in my pants – to the ones that are “perfect” but I want them nowhere near my pants! He’d reach to put his arm around me and I’d shy away. Not good.

I thought about it more -- agonized over it really. It wasn’t cause he was too nice – nothing about being nice or thoughtful was a turnoff for me. I had already been through my bad boy stage and gotten that out of my system. I swear. I wasn’t scared. I was excited to get to know him and the possibility of a real relationship. Believe me, I considered it all.

We dated for another month. Yes, really. I got lots of feedback from friends and family that the physical stuff fades over time. Doesn’t it have to be there to begin with to “fade”!? Or how I need to see the person that he is on the inside – not just the outside. I did see the person and he was a great friend. There was nothing wrong with him on the outside either. I just didn’t want him to touch me!

Btw, there were plenty of other men I would see during this time - elevator rides shared at work, etc. - that I most certainly wanted to cuddle on the couch with! Let alone a nice makeout session. But with Mr. Almost: nothing.

I’m sure you’re wondering – didn’t Mr. Almost notice that I wasn’t giving it up, let alone initiating contact?! Well, we talked about how we were trying to get to know each other before diving into the physical and how it was mature and appropriate and approaching this whole relationship thing differently as it was the right thing to do. But he never called me out on it – never saw me duck and run when he walked towards me…well, never said anything at least.

When a few friends finally met him, they pointed out how uncomfortable I was around him, while he was so excited around me. They pointed out that I was not my outgoing/ funny/affectionate self. I mean he was such the “perfect” guy – that I “should” like and really be into. Once they called me out on it, well, thats when it started to click for me.

I took some time to really ask myself the tough questions (was I over my ex boyfriend? Was I read for new relationships? Do I just not like physical interaction!?) It had been a long time since my ex, I had done all the healing, I had been attracted to plenty of other men in between and felt something when they kissed me.

I just didn’t like him in “that way”.

It finally became clear: we had a great friendship, and unfortunately, nothing more.

I knew his feelings were growing strong for me, so the moment I had the clarity about my true feelings – I went to his house that night and had the “talk”. I was honest. We just didn’t have that connection or chemistry. None of it. He agreed and felt it too; something was missing. I told him he deserved someone that felt that way towards him and the longer I stuck around, the longer I prevented “her” from showing up. I knew I wanted and deserved it all too. I refused to settle for only one kind of chemistry - just as I didn’t settle for only physical chemistry with other guys. I had to let him go.

When I left his house, I felt a weight lifted from my shoulders. I was very sad, but I knew was the right thing to do. He is one of the kindest souls I have met in this “process” and I truly wish the ultimate best for him. He has a lot to offer and I could have been pretty happy with him…almost.

Sigh… next…

Lessons learned: 1) Chemistry is intangible. It can’t be created. It can’t be forced. It’s either there or its not. 2) Having only one kind of chemistry in a relationship, no matter which kind, is unfulfilling. 3) When things don’t feel right and you’re having to do a lot of work in a relationship to enjoy it, instead of beating yourself up and assuming there is something else you need to “do” to fix it, be willing to accept that maybe its just not the right relationship for you. 4) Its important to be genuine, even when having the break up talk. Its uncomfortable, but it’s the right thing to do. Karma will thank you.