With two weeks left in my subscription to toadorprince.com, I was beginning to think it was time to take a leave of absence from ‘the search’. I had experienced many different men, circumstances, stories, dates, dinners, deal-breakers, and lessons. Nothing had materialized in terms of a relationship. I was getting tired of the Q&A, men asking how many kids I wanted before I even knew if I could sit in the same room with him. I couldn’t stomach having to compare any more men on a daily basis. Constantly sizing them up like a resume drop for my firm. No 4.0 GPA?! Next. Not to mention - unless I filled the pipeline with a few at a time – I was spending more time with my laptop then I was out in the ‘world’. There have been many more dates that I’ve been on that I just didn’t have the patience to blog about. I was over it.
So what does this all mean? I had decided not to renew my account. I gave toadorprince.com a good 7 months of effort. Maybe it just wasn’t for me?! Yes, I’ve seen the commercials – it promises that you’ll find love. Even trying to cancel my account I get a 20 minute lecture on how the love of my life could be out there – and didn’t I want to find him?. Well of course I want to find it Mr. blow-sunshine-up-my-ass-cause-you’re-paid-to! It just hasn’t found me! So, please, just cancel my account already!
I knew of many success stories, personal close friends of mine too. So maybe it just wasn’t my time? Or maybe my prince wasn’t hiding online? Maybe he was just “out there” and the real task was just to LIVE my life instead of SEARCHING? I didn’t have the answer; I was just sure I was tired of searching for him online.
Of course, before my two weeks were up – one last applicant would make history on my blog. You didn’t think I would leave you with a boring “how I decided to close my account” post, did you? Never.
I call him The RDB. Gather round, its gonna be good one!
The RDB and I were matched on a Monday. By Thursday, we were meeting for drinks. As some of you may know, that was light-speed in the world of staged communication and formal online processes. It was clear we were both very interested. I can honestly say he was the ONLY potential prince that I was REALLY excited to meet as soon as I saw his profile. I had no concerns or suspected deal-breakers in mind. I had all those exciting giddy feelings. Primping my hair 10x in the car, reapplying the gloss, all of it. The moment I walked into the bar and spotted him across the room we had one of those Hollywood moments where we locked eyes from across the room and clearly had that look of relief to find the other person was in fact as cute as we thought. Could this be it for me?!
The conversation was flowing and we covered our territory quickly. He had all sorts of questions for me and was really into understanding me better. He seemed VERY serious about assessing if I was really ready for the “the one”. It was intriguing. I took it as a sign he was serious about me and about this process. Our conversation went from superficial to very deep and introspective within an hour. There was no bullshitting here. He was 36 and never been married – attributing this to his focus on his career for the majority of the past 10 years – and having not met the right person yet. I could buy that. He said all the right things and I was eating it up.
Things were going so well that he locked me down for date #2 the very next night – a Friday. Of course I agreed, I was very much into whatever was happening between us. In the parking garage we said goodbye and gave me a pretty great smooch. “Wow, that was pretty bold for a first meeting,” I said. “It didn’t seem like you would mind…” he responded. Ooohh he’s good. Now, what was it I was saying about being skeptical of guys’ who kiss on the first meet ‘n greet????
The next night he picked me up and we went for drinks then dinner. He made reference to wanting to take me out again so soon because he didn’t know who else was pursuing me and wanted to make sure he didn’t let a good thing go – sorta lock it down before someone else did. I was flattered. A man that was serious about what he was after and I was thrilled he was chasing me. Again, all the right things occurred through our conversations during the evening… very inquisitive of understanding more about me, learn about how I think and feel (ya really – he used the word 'feelings' multiple times within an hour!)– very introspective and emotionally mature. Seemingly, that is.
After dinner, we decided to trade another bar-stop for a nightcap on the beach. We talked for another three hours there – it was so exciting and fun. The kind of conversation you never want to end no matter how late it is. He asked if I was seeing other people I might have been matched with. He was excited and relatively surprised to hear that I wasn’t. I asked the same question and he said no, and he was only after finding that one person, and knew a good thing when he saw it. Oohh he’s real good.
Mind you – I was the first person he met on toadorprince.com. Yes, important fact to mention here. Here I was with an account ending and he had just started his six-month membership. Hhmmmmmm… So when he asked me what concerns I had about him – I was pretty quick to reply: if I was the first person he met and I was so great as he said, wouldn’t he be curious to see what else was out there?! Logical question.
He quickly responded that he knew what he was looking for and when he found it, he’d go after it. Again, that he knew a good thing when he saw it and wasn’t going to let it get away. So smooth – all the right things… He seemed so genuine and serious – what was I not to believe?!
While I was mid-sentence talking about something I can’t even remember now – he pounced on me for a big smooch and makeout session – on the sand, at night, on the beach – HOT. Clearly.
Until he said, “god, how could someone not want to F*** your brains out?!” WTF?! Did I just hear that? All of a sudden the romantic Hollywood soundtrack in my head was brought to an abrupt halt. Come again?! Is that supposed to be flattering?!“Um, not sure thats really a compliment,” I said. But ok. I took it as a guy in the heat of the moment.
It was clear we had major chemistry and I didn’t want the night to end. So I told him I would definitely stay longer and was fine staying over –but- I had to be clear: I was not going to be knockin’ boots with him. If he could respect that then I could stay over. After all, he picked me up, we had some drinks – so I would likely need to cab it home. Ok that’s not the real reason - frankly – I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to keep talking and smooching and all that good stuff. Just being honest! :)
I’d like to say he respected my wishes and didn’t try to get in my pants…but he’s a guy, and of course he did. Fine. I get that. But at times, it was a ‘lil much. No I wasn’t going to say one thing and do another – I meant what I said – I didn’t want to F-up what was building between us – by just sleeping with him. Plus, I wasn’t comfortable with him yet – yes a second date – and its not about rules and numbers or dates etc… in the end, I just wasn’t comfortable yet. My gut told me to wait. There was plenty of time for that. Or so I thought…
During the next morning’s drive of shame home we discussed hanging out again over the weekend – but I had plans that night with friends. He didn’t follow up with me later that day to make plans for Sunday, which I found odd based on our incredible night before. I also thought when he dropped me off, not having a plan for the next time to hang out didn’t seem like the tone we had previously set. I blamed it on our sleepiness. I reached out in the early evening feeling pretty confident about what was brewing between us. We made plans for a beach day on Sunday.
Beach day turned into dinner as well. We talked about his impending vacation with his dad to go camping and some mountaineering manly adventures. Aww cute. I realized that my account would be expiring while he was away and I didn’t want him to come back and notice that my profile was no longer available to him as if I had closed our match. Rather, it was expiring and I chose not to renew. I felt comfortable mentioning this – and also testing the waters to see how he might react. His immediate response was excitement as he said he would much rather see me not renew my account as it would show him that I was interested in seeing where things could go with him versus seeing what else is ‘out there.’ Wow, he is certainly into me then and "serious". I told him I planned on not renewing anyways – but now I had even less of a reason to as I was excited to see where things would go with him.
I didn’t think at the time that the speed of which he was moving to “lock it down” per se, was a red flag. I found it all very flattering. I mean, why play games? We met on an online relationship site so weren’t we both after the same thing? We had talked about it and I took him at his word. At that point – we were not pursuing any other matches—which I guess means we were exclusively dating.
After dinner we walked along the beach. Yes, very romantic. We were talking and holding hands, and he was saying all the right things, etc. Afterwards back at his apartment things got a little hot and heavy with a good makeout session on the couch. Then he got a bit more aggressive, trying to tear my clothes off... I stopped and reminded him that I didn’t feel much different from just 1.5 days earlier when I said I wasn’t ready to sleep with him yet. He stopped and told me I was ‘so complicated’. WTF?! Complicated? I’ve been very clear. Yes I’m showing you I’m interested by spending time with you and clearly enjoy the makeout session, but I don’t think its complicated to make clear statements about what I’m comfortable with before we get into the heat of the moment. Somehow he didn’t get that.
Things picked up again a bit, and next thing I knew he standing me up and pulling my shorts down, and running to his nightstand for a condom. It all happened so fast I didn’t even know what was going on. OMG – STOP! What are you doing?! Did I not make myself clear? This is not how I envisioned a first time with someone that I thought stood a chance at being a potential prince. I want a lot more romance than that! “Romance?!” he asked. Um ya sweetie- a lil more than stand me up, bend me over, and take me from behind…on your couch…in the daylight. Ya, I think I want a little more than that. Who the F are you?
This is probably when I should have walked. I know this. But I didn’t. Why? Because I blamed it on him being a “guy” and having hormones. He got excited and couldn’t stop himself – I was THAT irresistible, right?! Hhmm…
Hindsight is 20-20. I tried to take each occurrence as its own and was not yet stringing it together into the big picture. There were some details I didn’t want to rehash with friends as it was all happening either – I hadn’t decided what I felt about it yet – all I know is that when I got home that night – I felt a bit insecure and just gross. He was going on his vacation in two days and that was the last interaction we were going to have for a week. The only picture in my mind I was left with was this carnal and animalistic look he had in his eyes that evening when I had to fend him off. Sort of like I was going to be ravaged. Ugh, I couldn’t get that scene out of my head.
The next night I was closing down my account and took one more peek at his profile because I wasn’t going to get to see his face now online anymore. I noticed that he had added a few new pictures. WHAT?! My stomach dropped – I thought that he was not looking around at other matches?! Why add new pictures then? I did remember that he had said he would post more pics for me as I was showing his profile off to a lot of my friends. But why not just ask to email them to me instead? I coyly asked him about it over text – “are those pictures for me?! ;-)” – he said yes as he said he was going to for me to show off. Hhmm, ok. He could sense my hesitation and in return asked what he could do to make me feel better instead. In the end, he decided to turn of his matching and cancel his automatic renewal. But his account wouldn’t expire for another six months. Ok, well that’s a nice gesture and showed me he was serious. After all the decision to close your account is one he must make on his own. It was also too early I thought to even have to discuss this. The only reason we were is 'cause my account was expiring. While I didn’t like the appearance of a double standard between us (me closing my account and him only turning off "matching" but not closing his account) – I figured I was not in a position to really take issue with it and if I hadn’t decided not to renew, I never would have brought it all up in the first place. In hindsight – I think I would have said nothing. Shoulda, coulda, woulda…
So he left on his vacation in the mountains, where I didn’t expect to receive any texts or calls with no cell service. Granted there was a day on each end of the trip where he could reach out – but he didn’t.
The day I thought he was returning – I didn’t hear from him. Or, the next day. WTF?! I figured judging by how we left things, he would reach out as soon as he was back. Finally on the third day, I reached out via text “are you back yet?” --- to which he replied “yep, exhausted.” That’s it?! Two words? Well, someone is real excited to see me again. Weird. I replied coyly saying I wanted to make sure he wasn’t eaten by a bear (as he had joked about before his departure). He never responded to that text. Not that day or that evening. Nothing. Well, I’m getting the blow off! How friggin’ great is that?! I was pissed – not gonna lie, things were going well – despite the few overly aggressive sexual encounters. I was still interested. Or was I just interested in the idea of finally ending my “search”?? Or, having a perfect ending to my blog?!!?
The next afternoon, he texted to say that he was not feeling well and he wanted to ‘give me a heads up.’ Um ok, heads up that that’s why you’re not reaching out – or don’t plan to? I didn’t get it. Did his fingers catch a cold too and he didn’t care to mention this a few days earlier? He did make a point to ask if anything “interesting” happened while he was away. Sort of like a boyfriend checking up to make sure you didn’t go out or meet someone else while he was away – it just felt a little weird in my gut. And yes, we women over-analyze every word in a text – especially if that is the only form of communication the guy is putting out there. I’ll admit it and I’m sure most of you can attest to doing so as well…
I replied eventually - telling him to feel better and call me when he did. Ball was back in his court and I had already mentally written him off. As soon as I was resided to that situation being dead and gone – of course he texted to say the above. Nevertheless, it was a Thursday and I assumed the heads up he was sick was also a sign I wouldn’t hang with him that weekend.
The next afternoon I got a call to see what I was doing that night – huh?! I thought you were sick? I could actually hear in his voice that he in fact did sound sick. He said he was feeling better and was excited for the weekend and wanted to see me. But he realized it was last minute and I could have plans. I asked if his other plans fell through and I was his backup plan?! I had resided to the fact that I was getting blown off by him anyhow, so I didn’t really care about how I sounded. He insisted that was not the case and that he was not 100% better but wanted to see me anyways if I was up for it. I didn’t have plans –and well I was curious, so I agreed to meet up.
Apparently I sounded quite aloof on the phone cause when I got to his place to meet – he seemed a bit unsettled and asked why I sounded so surprised to hear from him. He even stated he was afraid I was going to “break up” with him now. Um, ok we’ve had three dates and yes not pursuing other matches – how can we have a “break up” already!? Lol. I thought it was cute that he was even worried about that. Maybe I had over-reacted and read him wrong?! I explained honestly what I thought of his being aloof all week and I just assumed he was not as interested. Thus, the surprise when he called that day. He had various reasons for not reaching out when he got back but honestly I wasn’t buying it entirely – your fingers had a sore throat too?
That evening we re-calibrated things you could say. He told me how much he missed me and thought about me while he was away. That he was so glad I came out to go to dinner, etc. Saying all the right things again. Uh huhhhh…. Then he touched on the subject of him being incommunicado again… “so do you expect me to call you everyday? I mean I don’t want to worry that if I don’t talk to you everyday, you’ll go find some other guy!” Seriously?! Um insecure much? Or rather, a lil jealous/possessive?! That’s not even where my mind was at – I was still focusing on what was going on between us – not some needy crazy girl that was being demanding – I simply said, his non-action and non-communication made me assume he wasn’t as interested anymore. Given we hadn’t known each other very long, there was no other way to read it, and I was not in a position to reach out and challenge it. He seemed to be layering in some of his own possessive/insecure emotions into this.
After a walk after dinner, we watched a movie at his place. Given he was still a bit sick, I didn’t kiss him as I didn’t want to risk getting sick. After the movie he jumped all over me again, and in a very carnal fashion. I shut it down and said I meant what I said about not wanting to get sick and that I wasn’t going to stay over. I still wasn’t feeling all that comfortable with him in that way yet.
We didn’t firm up our next plans but it was late and I just wanted to go home and didn’t think too much of it. I figured he was pretty much still into seeing me given all the other things he had said that night (afraid I was going to break up with him, etc etc.) so I didn’t worry about when I was going to hear from him again. I went home thinking I had misread him and his aloof-ness that week. But, I was cautiously optimistic about the situation. Emphasizing the optimistic…
Until the next morning.
I got a text from him: “I’ve had a good time getting to know you – but I’m not ready to be exclusive with you yet. I’m going to see other people.”
SERIOUSLY?!!?!?! Did he just dump me on a text?! Oh HELL-TO-THE-NO! I couldn’t believe it! Not “ready to be exclusive?!” HE was the one that wanted to be exclusive and made a point to “lock it down” early on. NO…. HE wasn’t ready for the fact that I wasn’t giving it up yet. Ya that’s right, as clear as day, it was all coming together….
In such a hurry to pin me down from other dudes, then get in my pants on day two, day three, day four, almost too “smooth”, very persistent, a little possessive, etc. This was not a guy for toadorprince.com. This is a guy for onlinewhorehouse.com. He was such a fraud. He was just being so smooth and seemingly sincere to get me into bed. When my instincts didn’t lead me to do so – he was OVER it. See other people?! Ya, see who else’s pants he could get into more easily.
I did NOT reply to his text. It didn’t deserve a reply.
And so is the story of The RDB – The Royal Douche Bag! The royal ending to the online experiment of toadorprince.com.
Or as I’ve also titled him – the toad that broke the camel’s back…
****
While I was very angry for a few days and bitter – rightfully so I might add – I was so proud of myself for listening to my instincts and not crossing a line I wasn’t comfortable crossing. There is a reason that I didn’t feel comfortable. It wasn’t about 'rules' or which date was appropriate for hooking up, etc. I had physical interactions in previous relationships that were quite early on in our relationship, but I felt safe and we were actually both on the same page. This was different.
He turned into someone that wavered between sincere and intellectual to carnal and unsettling at the drop of a hat. Who’s to say he wouldn’t have dumped me anyways after sleeping with him?
I could see that my gut was at play the whole time -- even if I didn’t walk away perhaps when I should have. Believe me, I know how it looks. When I recounted some of these details with friends – they were shocked to hear I kept giving him chances. I clearly beat myself up for a bit for even having done so once I saw his true colors. I guess my hopefulness was coloring my glasses for a bit.
As much as his text was completely rude and cowardly – it was the better alternative. I truly believe I was saved from something much worse.
A quote that some friends shared with me in the aftermath is what rings true for me here: “Rejection is protection”. I was protected from an even bigger, douche-ier interaction.
Since I was already not renewing my toadorprince.com account – I didn’t feel like I gave up any opportunities for The RDB. If anything, it was clear that my time online had expired. I was worn out. The more I was trying to “make it happen” – the more frustrated I found myself. Too many hopeful-turned-disappointing situations. Too many mis-matches. And now, too many douche bags. The universe was clearly telling me to STOP.
So I listened.
I'm going to sit back for a change - and see what the universe brings my way…
Stay tuned.
