Organic Encounters

No, this is not a post about meeting a crunchy vegan dude on toadorprince.com. This is a story about two guys I met through friends during the same time I was also pursuing toads online. Also known as “organic encounters.”

I’d like to introduce Mr. Tied Up and Mr. Perpetually Untied. I met Mr. Tied Up in the daytime portion of a friend’s BBQ; I met Mr. Perpetually Untied in the evening portion of this marathon affair. Talk about en fuego!

Mr. Tied Up presented himself as very friendly, open, and quite flirtatious. I thought he was cute and hilarious, and we immediately hit it off. Finally, an organic encounter!! The flirtation started getting even more intense and whileI was helping to clear some of the dishes, he said “gosh, you are so marry-able!” Ok buddy, I said, “if you happen to have a girlfriend, you’re pretty sleezy!” His face immediately turned to a cold blank stare. I’m not sure why I thought he might have been seeing someone else or not, but I took the guess. And whatta-ya-know, I was right! He couldn’t believe I had said that. I reminded him he still hadn’t answered my question “well, do you?!” He answered, “no – but well, there is a girl.” Ah ha! He then proceeded to explain his whole saga to me like I was his therapist. Essentially, he had broken up with the girlfriend already and they somehow started seeing each other again. It was clear he was unhappy, but more so confused and tortured. It was quite amusing, but I enjoyed the honest discussion.

I proceeded to do some intel on him at the party with our mutual friends. They explained it as he was currently trying to un-tie himself from the girl that no one liked and he was not happy with. Ok, I’ll let the guy have my number if he asks and we can just be friendly acquaintances as after all we’re likely to run into each other again at all these parties. Then, if he becomes untied, I’d go on a date with him. He was a genuinely nice, cute guy that I would enjoy getting to know. At the end of the party he asked for my number. I told him if he figures his situation out, he should call me.

Meanwhile, before Mr. Tied Up left the party – I was introduced to Mr. Perpetually Untied. It was perfect timing really – when Mr. Tied Up came to get my digits before leaving the party – turns out my friends were kibitzing “ooohh he’s getting her number! Yaaaa!” and Mr. Perpetually Untied is like “oh, who is she? Have I met her before?!” Which sets the tone for Mr. Perpetually Untied’s pursuit. A prime example of men enjoying the chase…

He presented himself as extremely successful in his finance career that probably isn’t use to women that are smart and also have professional careers. Once I name-dropped my firm, work history, and that we went to the same group of colleges, his whole demeanor changed. I appreciated it, thinking he might actually be trying to meet a smart girl. Meanwhile he name-dropped that he started his own company, just bought a house in a very nice part of town, etc. etc. Yes, a successful driven man, I’m down! It wasn’t the material possessions/status I was reacting to, as much it was finding someone who was equally-yoked in their career drive and wouldn’t be intimidated by a women who actually had her $hit together.

In previous relationships – my success or drive or confidence (whatever you want to call it) seemed to become an issue in relationships. As an example, an ex-boyfriend snapped at me once that we should split the check because after all he made $9K less than me! Ya, really – he quantified it! But I digress…

Long story short, Mr. Perpetually Untied was cute, funny, smart, and most importantly – untied.

Throughout the night we spent more and more time hanging out. I may have even toured the property of our friend’s house and maybe found myself making out in the bushes. Yeah, I know, so high-school! But that was why it was so fun! After all the online dating experiences and serious conversations so early on with each of those toads, I enjoyed just being in the moment and going with the flow. The flow was pretty hot with Mr. Perpetually Untied. Damn, was the chemistry on fire! Though after the make-out session, I knew I was in trouble. Hhmm, this guy has got game. What's his deal?! That was for me to work out later. The night was all about me just having fun.

The party was coming to an end at a reasonably early hour and he asked if I would go get a drink with him. He said he wanted more time to get to talk with me away from the group, etc. Hhmm, ok, I agreed. I also knew that this bar we were going to was in the neighborhood of his new house. I quipped that this bar better not be at his house as that ain’t happening!

Sure enough, at the end of our fun drink at the bar, dancing to old 80s music and good conversation… He wanted me to come back to his house for a nightcap. I know what you are all thinking at this point. Believe me, I was thinking the same things. I just made my case very clear – I am not coming back to your house to sleep with you and have a one-night stand. We have mutual friends and that ain’t my style. He insisted that was not at all his intention; he wanted to show me his house and keep the conversation going that he was enjoying so much.

I went. I mean, I had to – I was having fun, I wanted to see what sort of mansion this guy bought and frankly, I wasn’t ready to go home yet.

Back at this house, it got a lil hot and heavy. Did I mention we had insane chemistry? Since I was still reeling with how things went with Mr. Almost – I so greatly appreciated the natural chemistry! But I didn’t give it up. It is easy to get wrapped up in the moment and just go with it. The problem is that I could see myself liking him after that night and actually wanting to date him. He had a lot of the traits I was looking for. I wanted to think that this guy is legit and not just trying to bag and tag me. I had an inkling, however, that he may be used to everyone saying “yes” to him – so I instead was going to say “no”. He respected it. He still invited me to sleep in his bed given it was late. That would have added more attachment for me, so I declined and went home.

The next morning he texted and I got so excited! Oh man this guy may actually like me! Until I got the “feel free to come back over and lay around with me” text. Uh oh, was this a mid-morning booty call? I called him out on it and he confirmed that he was guilty as charged. I politely explained I was looking for more than a booty call (even if it was in a huge and amazing house and with a gorgeous guy… sigh…). He apologized for being so forward and said we would do dinner soon. Well, lets see if that actually happens!

So what happened to Mr. Tied Up during all this? There was friendly text banter which I initiated to say it was a pleasure meeting him and good luck with his situation. I left it at that. He started calling to chat and use me as a sounding board for his relationship troubles. While I enjoyed the attention – I did not want to be his therapist. I tried to make it clear again he needed to figure his situation first, then call me. Exchanges with Mr. Tied Up went radio silent for a few weeks.

Meanwhile I had to get the intel on Mr. Perpetually Untied. You know, assess the reality of him calling to ask me out on a proper date. We had quite a few friends/acquaintances in common it turns out. Each source yielded a wealth of information and funny enough – it all led to the same conclusion: he was not trying to settle down anytime soon. My sources confirmed that he was continually seen with a different woman each time they run into him, and because of his privileged upbringing, he was likely not used to people telling him “no”. Ah ha, I knew it! We have a perpetual bachelor on our hands! I knew how to play this one. All my friends said to see if he reaches out and if I choose to go out with him, have fun, but don’t expect it to lead anywhere. In other words, we’re warning you and don’t make us say “I told you so!”

He did in fact call – or rather, text, to ask me out. Enough with the damn texting! Guys get it wayyyy too easy these days. Never having to man up and actually pick up the phone to ask you out for a proper date! I can’t be the only one that thinks this…

Anyways - we met at his house and went for dinner. I was armed and ready with my intel on him and as you could say – on guard. He had been probing me quite a bit, my last name, how close was I with the mutual friends he had, etc… basically giving away that he planned his own background check. So of course, I had to let him in on the intel I had on him. I couldn't just take everyone else's word - I had to find out for myself. While some of it he didn’t agree with (of course not!), he did admit to not being in any hurry to settle down. As he explained, “why spend the next 60 years with the same person?!” Was this guy serious?! Telling me this on a date?! I balked at this and called his bluff -- he just hasn’t met the right person yet.

Inside I also knew that I wasn’t going to be the one to try and change his mantra. I had already learned that lesson: trying to change a guy’s mind or being the one different girl to ‘change his ways’ was a complete waste of mental energy and will only end in defeat and bitterness on my part. In the meantime, I gave myself permission to order lots of expensive sushi and drink more beer :)

We went back to his house to hang out. Again, I put on the brakes. I couldn't knock boots with him. While a torturous decision process for me internally (given our crazy chemistry) – I knew I would want to date him and he seems like the last person that wants to date exclusively. Sleeping with him would have been my straight train to crazy --- going crazy about whether or not he would call or not and over-analyzing every one of his texts, calls, etc.

I explained that I actually preferred to sleep with someone in a monogamous setting in which neither of us are sleeping with other people – like say, in a relationship!. Seems like you really have to break it down for these guys. His response was “I’m not sleeping with anyone else right now!” Ya, tonight buddy! But what about tomorrow?! While his offer was appealing, my gut told me to decline and I went home.

The next morning I found myself conflicted – like I maybe ruined my chances by NOT sleeping with him. Maybe if I had been more carefree, things would turn out differently? This is when I realized that I needed a good slap in the face. In the long run I was better off not putting myself out there in that way and likely getting played. I went with the safe route. In my experience, if a guy is offering you sex early on and you would rather a relationship, sex is likely not the way for you to get what you want. Again, just in my experience!

He never called or texted again. I didn’t do the insecure girlie thing and reach out to him either. It may have not even been because I didn’t put out – maybe that I was so conflicted and not relaxed, which could have annoyed him. Who knows. Actions speak louder than words. I didn’t give it up and he didn’t call again. It was what it was and I chose to let it go.

After a few weeks, Mr. Tied Up started calling again. Of course he did, right?! This time he actually asked me out for dinner. Which to me meant that he was no longer tied up. Right?

Wrong.

Ten minutes into our date, he made reference that his lady friend would not be pleased to know he was out with me for dinner. WTF?! “You’re still in a relationship?” I asked. Yep, he was. “Then why the hell did you ask me for dinner?!” I was so pissed. He didn’t even say that he saw me as a friend or anything and thus it was the farthest thing from a date. He admitted he was attracted to me and had thought about me a lot. To be fair, I probably should have cleared up his relationship status before agreeing to dinner, but I figured it wasn’t necessary.

He couldn’t give me a straight answer for why he thought it was appropriate to invite me for dinner. Moreover, it didn’t sound like he was close to breaking up with “her” like he seemed to be in prior conversations. If anything, he was still miserable but resigned to being confused and unhappy. Sex must be good with her then huh?! Suddenly, he didn’t seem as attractive. Would I want to date a guy that wanted to have his cake and eat it too, let alone look for some new cake while he’s already got a piece on his plate?! No thanks. I could have walked out on him in the middle of dinner, but hell, a girl has gotta eat!

He reached out a few times after that night. I was uninterested and made that clear.

Organic or not, my cake was not for sale!

Next!

Lessons learned/reinforced: 1) When you see that a guy is not in the position to give you what you want, don’t wait around thinking he will change or that you can change him. 2) Whether you hit it off with someone you meet online or organically, it doesn’t guarantee they're looking for a relationship. 3) Don’t sell yourself short and take what you can get. 4) You’ll never regret NOT giving it up too soon.